Losing Peter Pan
by MegMarch1880
Summary: Kate called Tony an X-rated Peter Pan and with her perhaps she was right. But I saw a change after she died. What's going on in Dinozzo's head? An AU after this last season of NCIS.


**I do not own NCIS. This chapter is inspired by It Only hurts by Default, Waiting for Superman by Daughtry, Peter Pan by Kelsea Ballerini. The title comes from the song You should be here by Cole Swindell.**

 **"He's like an X rated Peter Pan."-Kate Todd. I do not own NCIS. I wish I did then Kate would still be alive. I ship Tate all the way. This is obviously a depresssing AU.**

Tony truly was Kate's Peter Pan. He seemed like that he was never going to grow up…mentally at least. He seemed to have a bit of an idealistic world view left which was the the true magic with the world that they worked in. His smile reached his eyes and he loved to aggravate her and McGee as much as he could. Of course he was also her X-rated Peter Pan with the amount of innuendos and his constant interest in sharing about his dating life. He was always flying from one girl to the next. Then there was the unhealthy amount of interest he had in her romantic life. He was still her Peter Pan though, and had captured her heart.

After she was gone however, Tony had changed. He was still nosy but his lightheartedness seemed more and more like a mask. While she thought that he was never going to grow up, Tony had. He'd proven her wrong because she had died. She had always had had confidence in him. He had shown his more serious leadership side. She just wished that she hadn't have to of died for it to happen.

He struggled with how much he should think about Kate. When Tony did, he ended up thinking about her and hurting for weeks. There had been too many weeks, months, and years, where he had not gotten enough sleep and had plastered his smile on his face on the elevator up to the bullpen. It was even worse when he said her name out loud. It was hard and took a lot of time to pull his mask back on after saying her name out loud. His heart only hurt for a little while. It felt like that it was going to be broken for a lifetime. He had tried to step up and be an even better Senior Field Agent. He had to mess around some to keep the mask up and the others not suspicious. He was determined though that he would make Kate proud. The only physical reminders he allowed himself on a daily basis was looking at her desk, Kate, the goldfish, and the wardrobe. Inside his Kate wardrobe were all of his things and pictures that reminded him of Kate. It helped a little bit to be able to look through pictures of her. Sometimes it helped. Other times it just made him feel more guilty that he should of nudged her or not let her get up. Then maybe she would still be here and maybe even someday there could of been he and her. She should of been there to see the sexual harassment trainer with Palmer's questions. She should've been there to give Abby a hug after the bombing. She should of been there to mess with him when he had replaced Gibbs. Tony wondered whether she would have been able to keep Gibbs from leaving or could she of made sure that Tony did not have to take the undercover assignment with Jeanne. She should've been there for girl time with Abby. She just needed to be here with them.

He still struggled with Ziva sitting at Kate's desk. In some ways he still saw it as Ziva's fault that Kate was gone. He kept that in the corner of his mind though. He knew what Ziva kept hinting at but he really wasn't interested. He wouldn't be able to give her anything even if he was. His romantic part of his heart had died with Kate. He protected Ziva though. He hadn't been able to protect Kate. The least he could do was protect Ziva in her stead.

She didn't need a hero and most of the time she didn't need anyone to save her either. He just kept being there when she fell apart. Yet, even when she had been captured and he went after the guy for revenge. He still said, "That she had been filling the position for the last four years." She had been in the position longer than Kate now! Yet she was still "the replacement." She wondered when Tony would consider her. She had been as obvious as she knew how to be. She had been jealous when Jeanne was on the scene. She had tried to get his attention. She wasn't sure what else there was to do. She couldn't understand how if Tony really was with all those ladies how he could leave her without a kiss. She guesses that she'll keep waiting just a little bit longer for her Superman.

In some ways though, it was a relief to Tony when Ziva left though. He didn't have to see the person who reminded him that he'd failed to protect Kate anymore. He felt guilty about that though since she had been there for so long and one of his first emotion was relief. Bishop was a relief in the fact that she was so different from Kate.

The shot hit him in the heart. Reality sunk in when he looked down at his chest drenched red. He could see Gibbs turning towards him about to tell him that he wasn't allowed to die on him. "Sorry boss." The pain of the shot was nothing. His heart had been bleeding for years, why should it matter to Tony that it was now visible for all to see.


End file.
